On the perils of dating

And once again, another one bites the dust.  I knew from the first moment he wouldn't be the one.

It's my newest pattern... giving some random guy more chances than are due.  Trying desperately to find a connection that doesn't exist.  My gut, rock solid, and is pretty intuitive.  It tells me when something is wrong, and inevitably, once again, it is.  

After months of date after date after date, I am still Andrea party of 1.  This truly doesn't upset me.  I enjoy my time alone.  I like my place, my work, my friends, my family.  My life is full.  I often question why I continue to pursue the illusive goal of love, and yet not matter how full my life I still have a void.  

This is the only explanation as to why I persist in dating, when I know my date inevitably isn't the one who will complement my life fully.  I meet someone.  We go out.  I am constantly assessing throughout the date: does he have potential, what are his intentions, is he a narcissist, does he shower regularly, etc.  My gut tells me no and that something is not quite right, and yet I talk myself out of my hesitations and continue pursuing said person.  After several weeks, the issues become more glaring and sadly end up validating my fears and distrust.  'Oh, you didn't reach out because you were dating someone before you started dating me?"  "So, what you are saying is, you want me to be the other woman?"  Or maybe it was "Oh, you went to a bar and met someone else, that really interests you as well?"  At what point in time, did I become a person that you can walk all over?  I guess that happened when I decided to make another exception.  

Now comes my newest conundrum.  The situation I ultimately find myself in is incredibly irritating.  How do I respond when I am once again disappointed with yet another man who lacks loyalty and maturity.  I have always been considered the "cool chick."  The one who gets along with all the guys, because I don't "bitch and moan."  I don't fight or cause drama.  I play it cool and end up coming across and one bad ass super cool chick.  I must do this to impress the fucktards who ultimately hurt me, as well as for the image that not all women are dramatic when faced with disappointing men.  But, why the hell do I give a shit about what their perceptions are?  Because men talk to other men, and they talk to other women.  All this talk is about crazy women on the dating scene.  How they "flipped out."  My question is... Who causes the woman to flip out?  Was it because you were untrue or insensitive?  Why are women made to feel less for expressing their frustrations at being mistreated?  If men want to fuck around and have no one get attached perhaps they should stick with their own sex.  I'm so sick of men calling out women who merely showed them a mirror and they didn't like what they saw.

If only I didn't crave the feelings of love so desperately.  Does that make me a desperate woman?  I don't feel lonely.  I just miss loving and being loved.  I know how deep the water runs, and I want it to be consumed again.  

On letting go

When you have given your heart to someone fully, relying on them is the natural state of being.  This person is there for you from the dawning of the day, to nights end.  They listen and comfort and laugh.  Memories are created, comfort is formed, and true intimacy is the wonderful result.

So what happens when you are forced to let go of this comfort, of this love, of this soul connecting intimacy?  I am finding it so difficult.  Impossible.  My masochism in this regard is unparalleled.  I know I shouldn't respond, I know I shouldn't communicate, and yet...   And yet, when no one else is around my heart is still drawn to the place of comfort.

I am alone.  My heart is alone.  My mind is alone.

With every continued contact I expect to feel a sense of relief.  That feeling of coming home after a long arduous journey... sleeping in my own bed again... comfort and comfortability.

With every contact I hope to gain validation.  This wasn't my fault, or my doing.  You are still struggling like I am.  You are unable to move on any better than I.

With every contact I hope to change your mind.  If only for a moment, have you see what you have given up.  Have you acknowledge this could have been fixed and was the biggest mistake of our life.

With every contact, I only find disappointment and further pain.  Even when you validate my feelings, even when you tell me you know and understand, even when you tell me you will never stop loving me and no one can take that away...  It is never enough.  It will never be enough because you could never be enough.  How can I expect you, the one who broke me, who witnessed  me crumble for years, and opted to be a recluse instead of a partner, how can I expect you to be the one who sets it right.  It is absurd... and yet...

How do you let go when you were never ready to in the first place.  How do you let go, when the connection is still real, and the hurt still raw.

Where does the strength come from when you are so tempted to reach out, but know it will only hurt worse in the end.

When does the time help cleanse these wounds and cause me to forget.

When will I be rid of you...

my boots are weighted, punishing every step.  

I try to move forward and but am filled with regrets

What might have been, what I could have done

Now my boots take me down, when I try to run

Just take me down, down, down,

to where the world isn't round round round

i’m right at the edge, edge, edge

Looking over that ledge, ledge, ledge

Can’t help but look back, back, back,

with my heart in my hands hands hands

i’m bleeding within, in, in

Mind’s no longer my friend, friend, friend

when will it end, so I can try this again.

It was years of self doubt that brought me to me

Each step going slower till I was nowhere to be

Now I’m sinking and drowning and I’m still cant stop crying

Determined progression is a ghost I rely on

Just take me down, down, down,

to where the world isn't round round round

i’m right at the edge, edge, edge

Looking over that ledge, ledge, ledge

Can’t help but look back, back, back,

with my heart in my hands hands hands

i’m bleeding within, in, in

Mind’s no longer my friend, friend, friend

when will it end, so I can try this again.

Remember when time was my friend.

My eyes were so blind to the impending bend

When the vision has cleared, I’m left in my shoes

That are dragging me down, to the bottom with you.

I remember walking on air, air

Wind in my hair, hair, hair

Light as can be, be, be

unbearably free, free, free

Persistent memories, ees, ees

throwing boulders a me, me, me

watching me drown. drown, drown

sinking into the ground, ground, ground 

when will it end, so I can try this again.

So sick of feeling... So tired of reeling... 
How long does it take to forget... When will I be only ambivalent... 
Please tell me it will happen tomorrow... 
Because the days never cease to come... 
How can one learn to trust again, when words were just lies... 
How can anyone move forward... When your afraid of more goodbyes...

you are my paradox… my beginning and my end

you bring out happy and then devastate again

you showed me a future, you promised me life

you changed your mind, and stopped wanting to fight

but what we had was worth it.  

what we had was strong.  

nothing worthwhile comes easy.

and the fight is what makes you strong.

I want to love you forever, and I want to forget each day

I want you to hold me, but I want each touch burned away

I want you to make promises, that you intend to keep

but i have no faith in the future, you took that away from me

you said you wanted forever, but that is where it ends

you said you loved me completely, yet hear we are again

you tried to give me you, but withheld the most important parts

and now i’m left with an empty shell and crumbled broken heart

we tried and we tried and we tried

we cried and we cried and we cried

You are my paradox, my beginning and my end.

you were forever, my last breath, my best friend.

how does one move forward, when every step is on glass

ripping apart my soles, bleeding along the path.

you say you wish the best, and happiness will be in my life

but you gave me no choice, you took away my rights

you decided you were done, you destroyed this family

you ended something precious, and now i struggle to breath

i know my strength is outside of you.  i know my life is in my hands.

but i wanted to share it… i wanted you to do more than watching from the stands.

now that is all you will get, all you will ever know.

you will forever be left empty and i will never fully let go.

how can we move past when our hearts are so intwined.

how can we look towards the future when the past fills my mind.

the flood gates are opened.  the water washes all.

i hope it clears my heart, my mind, and rids you of my soul.

its time to move on, and yet i’m still standing here.

hoping, longing, waiting, for your eyes to finally clear.

On illusive happiness

He's convinced there is a

Ticket to happiness, a

Key to that sacred door. 

Please tell me where to find one?

When every room is locked 

and every ticket torn.

I'm looking for what's illusive

I seeking what's in his mind

I can't control perceptions

I can only control what's mine

Life has its endless cycles,

A thousand story's to climb. 

Sometimes you have to take a break,

to ease a troubled mind. 

That doesn't mean I'm broken,

It doesn't make me poor.  

It only makes me human,

Whose emotions dive and sore. 

So, when you take away your love,

Because you've seen too many signs,

Why don't you slow down a pace,

And stop passing on double lines. 

I could have found my peace,

But only on the ground. 

Now I'm barely treading water

In the middle of this sound. 

The key is on the other side,

Behind the bolted door. 

The ticket's good for a one man ride,

And mine is used and torn. 

On being broken

When a star is shining... its light, so big, so bright, you would think its illumination was infinite.  Turns out the light was dead long before the light ever reached you.  I fear this is my future condition.  

Part of my charm has always been first impressions.  Nice, funny, pretty, entertaining...  what happens when the shine wares off? Well, I relax.  Become myself and just rest.  The plague of the introverted extrovert.  

I am outgoing and playful.  I feed off the energy of others.  I glut myself on the happiness and laughter.  Yet in one night I can overdose on the high of the frenetic energy of being out with friends.  But once that high is gone, the detox can be long and depressive.  

When the moon is full and the illusive stars in retrograde, the introversion spirals downward making regeneration next to impossible.  There must be something to pull me out. 

 

It was you this time.  You didn't pull me out, it was more like yank, rip, scrape, dig.  After almost three years of love, you said you didn't make me happy, and couldn't stand to hurt me anymore.  This tearing of my soul, certainly pulled me out of my depression.  

I caught hold of a star and rode the light hoping it would sustain, and the fact that it's dead already was hidden behind the shine.  

Maybe it wasn't bright enough.  And maybe you aren't cut out to make me happy, but that is only because that is my job.  You made many excellent points... all with utter sincerity and pain beyond measure in your eyes.  But your points made did not take into account how strong I love.  They did not account for my desire for you. 

I am alone, without the one whom holds my heart.  

My light is gone, erased out of existence.  The darkness has caught up, and taken hold.  The broken fragments cannot be made whole.  

A shattered mirror can be put back together, but it will never be as strong, and its reflection will never be true.